Bereavement Care
To Honour | To Remember | To Heal.
There is no ‘one way’ to do grief
After someone we love dies, each day can be a struggle. But each day, if we work to embrace our normal and necessary grief and care for ourselves, we will also take one step toward healing. The full intensity of grief is often not felt until after the funeral service, when the “structure” and ceremony of mourning – visitation, funeral service, burial or cremation and wake – has ended and everyone else returns to their normal life. The busyness of being surrounded by people has now been replaced by a sense of emptiness and loneliness as you begin to create a “new normal” for yourself.
Getting through the days and weeks after the funeral
After the funeral there will probably still be paperwork and possessions to be sorted and legal matters to be attended to while you adjust to the “new normal” of living your day-to-day life without your loved one. Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid intense feelings of grief, however these tips from other people who have also suffered the loss of a loved one may help you to get through the immediate weeks after the funeral.
Grieve your way, in your own time and without judgement
Don’t set yourself a timeline for your grief or a check list of stages you have to move through. Every person’s grief will be different and whatever type of loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Whether you cry or you never shed a tear, don’t judge yourself, worry that you should grieve in a different way, or create a schedule for your grief. There’s not a “correct” way to grief and your grieving may take weeks, months, or even years.
Suppressing your grief will not make it go away, so let yourself grieve in the way that feels right for you.
Accept that there will be triggers
Triggers for grief are often unexpected and can be impossible to avoid. What might trigger you one day will be different another day. Photos, songs, a smell, a sound, foods or seeing other people – anything that reminds you of the person you have lost may unexpectedly trigger a wave of painful emotions.
Other triggers, such as Christmas, holidays, anniversaries, graduations and birthdays, are more predictable and it can help to talk to your family and close friends about how you are feeling as you approach these dates and maybe even discussing new ways to mark these milestones and occasions.
Coping with a wide range of emotions
Especially in the early days after the funeral, it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions and experience strong physical reactions to your grief, such as being overwhelmed and not able to eat, sleep or focus on anything.
You may feel as if there is no meaning to anything anymore, feeling numb, empty, confused and exhausted. Anger that your loved one has gone and left you behind is also a common reaction.
Many people experience feelings of guilt about the last thing they said to their loved one, unresolved disputes or even not being there with them as they died. Or they worry about how others expect them to grieve, how to move on or they wonder if they will ever feel better again or be able to cope.
Whatever you are feeling is totally normal and it will eventually become easier with time as you learn to sit with these feelings – so don’t be annoyed or frustrated with yourself.
Try to treat yourself with the same tender loving care that you would give to a friend who was in the same situation.
Practice self care to manage any stress
Eating a healthy diet and sleeping when you can will give you the stamina you need to cope with your grief. And although it can be tempting to numb your grief with alcohol or drugs, in the long term they will only make you feel worse and the grief will still be there.
Spending time outdoors, gardening, walking, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, and yoga are all excellent tools to help practise self care and manage your grief.
It will probably feel quite counterintuitive when all you want to do is to hide under the duvet, however spending time in nature or with those beloved fur babies can really lift your spirits.
Dedicated Grief Management
We’re dedicated to providing personalised, professional and compassionate services to help lighten your burden and support you. We make this our pledge to each and everyone we come in contact with. Whether they are family or friends, we have dedicated grief management options available to you.
At Tong & Peryer we care about the wellbeing of the families we work with and we offer some ways to support people in the first year of loss.
- Information and resources on loss and grief, including our 365 Days of Healing offering which is a free service that is delivered straight to your email in-box.
- We have a Memorial service in December for families and friends of people we have provided services for during the year.
- Download our free PDF Comfort: words for when words fail us
Grief support delivered to your inbox
Based on Dr. Wolfelt’s popular book Grief One Day at a Time, we are able to deliver this daily companion directly to your inbox each morning.
Each entry includes an inspiring or soothing quote followed by a short discussion of the day’s theme and a succinct meditation.
This is a free service we provide to the families we work with, and you can unsubscribe at any time.
Local support groups and counsellors:
Here in Hawke’s Bay there are professional people and organisations based locally that can also help you if you feel you are struggling with grief or feeling lonely.
Anglican Care – Waiapu
ACW provides the Seasons for Growth® programme, which offers peer-support groups for children, young people, and adults who are experiencing change, grief and loss in their lives. This may include the death of a loved one, parental separation or divorce, moving house or school, as well as many other life changes and losses. Groups are held in Hastings, Havelock North and Napier – wherever the need is we’ll be there.
Contact: Sandie Speeden
Phone: (06) 873 4962
Mobile: 027 555 6707
Email: [email protected]
Āwhina Whānau Services
Our vision is to empower and give mana back to whānau. We offer a free counselling service that is welcoming, caring and confidential. We can help you and your family with personal counselling that can assist you in addressing issues like anxiety, coping strategies, custody advice, depression, domestic violence, goal setting, personal difficulties, rape crisis, self-esteem, sexual abuse counselling and trust issues. 9am – 5pm | Monday – Friday at 116 Queen Street East, Hastings 4122.
Contact: (06) 878 4827 or 0800 1
whānau (0800 194 2628)
[email protected]
Cranford Hospice
If someone you care about has died, then you are invited to attend Cranford Hospice’s ‘Compassionate Friends’ coffee support group. The purpose of this support group is as it sounds, to provide people with an opportunity to connect with others also experiencing grief and for group attendees to gain support from one another.
It is a relaxed and safe meeting of people sharing a similar experience, and who like to gather on a casual basis over a coffee or similar in a warm and friendly café setting.
Depression.org
When we are anxious or depressed it can change the way we think, feel and act. Dealing with the tough times can be hard but you’re not alone. Take a small step by getting ideas or support on how to take care of yourself and others.
Eldernet
Eldernet is an information service that is focussed on issues concerning older people in New Zealand.
Farmstrong
Farmstrong is a nationwide wellbeing programme for the rural community. Our aim is to help you live well to farm well.
Lifeline
A confidential and non-judgmental telephone counselling service operating 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
One Voice
Grief group for men and young men. This group is for all types of grief, including suicide loss. Also grief support for families. No matter what age, all are welcome to come and share stories in a safe and supportive environment. Weekly meetings. Address: Flaxmere, Hawkes Bay. No charge.
Contact: Lynsey Abbott on 022 0805736 or Haira Abbott on 022 0368796
Renew Me
Diana Kirton offers counselling services supporting people recover from life-changing health challenges, bereavement and trauma has been the focus of my recent training and practice. Taradale.
Samaritans
A service available 24 hours a day for people who want confidential listening.
Skylight
We support people of all ages throughout New Zealand who are facing any kind of tough life situation, but we specialise in grief, loss and trauma. We provide counselling services for people going through difficult times in life, grief and bereavement (including bereavement by suicide or homicide).
STAROS - Hawke's Bay Affected by Suicide Support Group
Facilitated group enabling those affected by suicide to talk and share freely with others similarly affected by suicide and ways to manage the impact it has on their lives. Group and individual support available.
Contact: Warren Brown 027 286 4071 or Sandra Pell 027 684 3033
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]
The Centre for Nature Connection
Nature-based support and ecotherapy founded by Georgina Langdale to help people deepen their connection to Nature to support them as they journey through grief. Small group gatherings and one-on-one guidance available in person and online.
The Compassionate Friends
Whether your family has had a child die (at any age, from any cause), or you are helping those who have gone through this life-altering experience, The Compassionate Friends exists to provide friendship, understanding, and hope to those going through the grieving process as a parent.
Local support groups and counsellors:
Here in Hawke’s Bay there are professional people and organisations based locally that can also help you if you feel you are struggling with grief or feeling lonely.
Why We Have Had Funerals since the Beginning of Time
For thousands of years funerals have been a means of expressing beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone we love. As you enter into the planning process, you may find it helpful to remind yourself why we have funerals.
The remembering, deciding, and reflecting that take place in the planning of the service are often an important part of the process of grief and mourning. And ultimately, this process of contemplation and discovery creates a memorable and moving funeral experience for all who attend.
And ultimately, this process of contemplation and discovery creates a memorable and moving funeral experience for all who attend.
The Pieces of a Meaningful Funeral
Whether you are planning a traditional funeral ceremony or a contemporary memorial service, it helps to understand the parts of a meaningful service.
At Tong & Peryer we understand how each piece serves a unique purpose and plays an important role for you and family. When you put the pieces together, you create a ceremony deserving of the special life that was lived.
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