When someone dies, one of the first questions families often ask is:
“What should we do now?”
It’s a natural question, but perhaps the better answer is this:
There isn’t one right way to say goodbye.
Every life is different. Every family is different. So we believe every farewell should be too.
A farewell as unique as the person
For generations, funerals followed familiar traditions. A church service, a hearse, flowers, burial or cremation. Those traditions continue to bring great comfort to many families, and rightly so.
But today we’re also seeing something else.
Families are creating farewells that reflect the person rather than simply following convention.
Some choose a formal service filled with hymns and tradition. Others gather in a garden, at a beach, on a farm or in a favourite local venue like the golf course. Some include live music, motorcycles, fishing rods, classic cars, kapa haka, storytelling or shared meals. Others prefer a quiet private farewell with only those closest to them.
None of these choices are more “correct” than another.
They are simply different expressions of love.
Culture, faith and family traditions matter
Here in Hawke’s Bay we are privileged to support families from many cultures, beliefs and backgrounds.
For some, tikanga Māori guides every step of the farewell. For others, Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or other faith traditions provide comfort and meaning. Some families have no religious beliefs at all but still want a ceremony that honours a life well lived.
Increasingly, many families also blend traditions, combining cultural customs, family rituals and modern personal touches into one meaningful farewell.
What matters isn’t choosing the “perfect” funeral.
What matters is creating something that feels authentic to the person who has died and those who love them.
Sometimes the smallest moments mean the most
A favourite song played softly.
Children placing handwritten notes on the casket.
A grandchild telling a story.
Family members helping wash and dress their loved one before the funeral.
Sharing fish and chips together after the service because that’s exactly what Mum would have wanted.
These moments often become the memories people carry long after the day itself.
They remind us that funerals aren’t performances.
They are acts of love.
It’s okay if your goodbye looks different
Some families want everyone involved.
Others want privacy.
Some people cry openly.
Others don’t cry at all.
Some need to see their loved one before the funeral. Others choose to remember them as they were.
There is room for all of these choices.
Grief doesn’t follow rules, and neither should saying goodbye.
Our role is to guide, not to decide
At Tong & Peryer, we don’t believe there is a standard funeral that suits everyone.
Our role is to listen first.
To understand what mattered to the person.
To help families explore their options without pressure.
To gently guide them towards a farewell that feels right for them.
Sometimes that means a traditional service.
Sometimes it’s something completely different.
Either way, it should feel personal, meaningful and true.
Because every goodbye tells a story
The way we say goodbye won’t take away the sadness of losing someone we love.
But it can become an important part of how we begin to carry that grief.
A meaningful farewell isn’t about impressing others.
It’s about honouring a life.
And there are as many ways to do that as there are lives to celebrate.
If you’re wondering what options are available, or simply want to have a conversation about planning ahead, our team is always here to help. Together, we can create a farewell that reflects the life, values and story of the person you love.
